Marriage + Kids = Super-tragic, Sex-free life: This Week's Mixed Signals on Getting Hitched

It's the day after Valentine's Day, so if you're married, hopefully you're still riding high from an evening of hot burnin' pleasure with your spouse. (Unless you have kids, of course, in which case it's more likely you spent the evening eating Kraft mac 'n' cheese, playing board games with the kiddos, and going to sleep in ill-fitting pajama bottoms sans hank panky.)

At least, that's what we're to believe from a new study out of the University of Notre Dame, which claims good dads lose their testosterone mojo and get laid less often than their kid-free counterparts. It's scary stuff, and supports the long-held fear that marriage + kids = super-tragic, sex-free life. 

The news is the latest to fuel the marriage-industrial complex, a field dominated by mixed-message stories about how getting hitched is the best/worst/easiest/hardest/sexiest/suckiest thing ever. Indeed, this week alone, we've been told the following about what it's like to be married:

It will suffocate you to death

Eli Frankel, psychology professor at Northwestern University, says spouses are increasingly unhappy because they just expect too damn much from their marriage. Basically, spouses want love and self-discovery and get bummed-out when that often doesn't happen. The name of this theory? The "suffocation model of marriage." (That's way harsh, Frankel!)

It will destroy your sex life

In addition to the dads-don't-get-laid story, last Sunday the New York Times reported that an equal marriage--which last we heard was a swell idea--is f'ing with spouses' sex lives, because a good time in the sack requires gendered behaviors and dirty talk.

It will make you super-happy

According to coolest-pope-ever Francis, young people shouldn't be afraid to marry, because a "faithful and fruitful marriage will bring you happiness."

So which is it? Is marriage awful or amazing, smart or bat*hit crazy? Something tells me ladies like myself--unmarried but looking to potentially put a ring on it down the road--may never get a straight answer. At least not until we bite the bullet and find out what strange, suffocating, happy-making, sex-killing future awaits us in matrimony.

Image: Clean Wal Mart/Flickr